To seek Christ does not narrow one's life, rather it brings it to the level of highest possible fulfillment. - A.W. Tozer
There I was sitting on a Trenitalia train, my journal flipped open on the table in front of me and Dean Martin in my ears, while speeding past laundry dripping from ledges and rolling hills full of Cypress trees. As I stared outside my window and allowed my mind to wander, I was enthralled by the beauty of the landscape forming around me. I couldn't help my musings at that moment... It's quite astounding how quickly one thing can turn into another even while you're sitting still. And as I sat there watching the world outside me change, I couldn't help but think about how the world within me had been changing all this time too.
I was just coming off a month spent in Bologna, Italy, serving and loving Italian students while on mission with Cru, and was headed to the hills of Borgo a Buggiano in Tuscany for our team's reflection getaway. We spent three days secluded in the hills, walking barefoot around the property and talking to the Lord. As I soaked up the time to just be, I connected with my creativity and art again, and I asked Him to clue me in on what He was doing next. If you would have asked me in January of 2024 what my prayer would have been, I probably would have told you a specific thing, something that I thought God was calling me to that I desperately wanted to have happen. But sitting here in my Tuscan room with the cool breeze floating through my open window and a paintbrush in my hand, my prayer was different. My heart posture had radically changed...and I didn't even realize it yet.
June was a marked month, a shift if you will. Up until that time, I was still wrestling with the Lord and trying to learn how to reconcile my plans for my life and His plan for my life. Prior to June, had I gone through experiences and trials in which the Lord broke me of pride and showed me that He was leading? Yes, absolutely. My injury, college admissions, and my freshman year of university was abundantly clear evidence of that, but while my heart was growing increasingly softened and inclined towards His voice, I still felt shackled by my striving to an extent and I bristled against the word "surrender". Looking back on the year, my adventure with God in June was like a fastpass to the ride that I now feel like I am securely on.
There is one specific conversation that I remember having when my team arrived in Italy. We were talking about our outlook on the month and how we wanted to approach the limited time we had in Bologna. I intended to say that I wanted to have "an open heart and open hands", but what actually came out of my mouth was "an open heart and open plans". Immediately after hearing my own words, I was struck by how fitting that phrase was for me and my spirit undeniably knew that it was the Lord speaking in that moment. For the rest of the trip, I kept coming back to the phrase like a nudging feeling that I couldn't quite shake. It was in Tuscany that that feeling came bubbling out into my prayer life like a cup filled to the brim. Sitting in my Tuscan room, I asked the Lord to do His will for my life and for my heart to align with His; not for my plans to work out perfectly, but for Him to surprise me and take me on an adventure, with each step directed and sculpted by His hands. What He had been growing in my heart for the last 5 years had finally broken through the soil.
Coming back to America, we were all on a spiritual high. I was in awe of who God is and what He can do in such a short amount of time, simply because we said "yes" to the adventure He had for us. Unknowingly, I had seen myself surrender to His beautiful plan, and I craved more of the joy, more of the adventurous life that I had felt and seen. I came back from Italy inspired, in more ways than one, but ultimately inspired to keep my heart, my hands, and my plans stretched wide open.
I named 2024 the year of surrender because, whether I knew it or not, the first half of the year was the Lord working in my life and in my heart to lead me to the realization that surrender doesn't mean giving up and going through the motions, it means freedom to experience all that God has for you. It means saying yes to His callings and going on the adventure with Him, even if it is risky. It means laying all your cards on the table and asking Him to choose one. It means no more striving, no more working unattainably for perfection, no more stressing over every little detail in the fear that something won't happen despite God saying you can't mess it up... Surrender means Fully Living, and if that is truly what I am all about, then surrender should be my first instinct, my way of life.
The second half of 2024, I started to fully embody this mentality of surrender. In August, I said yes to being baptized by a football player in front of hundreds of people during a Revival night on campus, despite not having all the details pre-planned and my family not being there. I heard Him tell me that someone else there needed to see me give my full yes, and little did I know how impactful that truly would end up being. In September, and all through the semester, I learned how to rely fully on the Lord for understanding, knowledge, and time. My class load coupled with all of my other activities made for an insanely jam-packed schedule, and it was only by handing it all to Him that I was able to make it through with joy and a smile on my face. In October, I experienced my first loss and was faced with grief in a way I hadn't known before. I surrendered my emotions and allowed myself to feel without shame or judgement. This side of heaven is the only place where we can learn to worship through tears, grief, and suffering, and what a joyful adventure that should be too. In November, I learned how to approach every single day, even the mundane, as an adventure with God. In December, I saw Him sustain me and give me the energy and strength to manage finals while sick with the flu and to take care of my family over winter break, despite desiring to accomplish other things. I saw Him giving me what I didn't even know I needed.
2024 was a beautiful year, and through all that happened and all that I experienced, the Lord was still working for my future, weaving together threads that I didn't know existed to form a tapestry that I have yet to see. After experiencing the freedom of surrender, I crave more. I want to see Him in my everyday. I want to dream bigger and adventure more. I want to break my bounds and fully live. But that takes seeking His face, His will, His heart. It takes running with my eyes wide open, seeking the possibility that is present every day. And it takes action, seeking to not only say yes, but to seek to do something about it.
And so, "seeking" is the word of the year for 2025. I have no idea what is to come and where all I will be led this year, but I do know that I will be seeking more of Him. And from that, adventure, joy, and full life are sure to follow. Let it be His vision and His heart that guides my steps this year.
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